Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do, and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women. Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought “hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can’t possibly be as dumb as it sounds. The email was just as advertised: I never thought I’d ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight.

Here is the abridged list because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it’s not worth reading , followed by my response to each “thing” that a “perfect guy would do:

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The 10 Sneakiest Red Flags in Men’s Online Dating Profiles Watch out for these subtle signs that the guy isn’t worth your time Mar 5, Getty Images In a perfect online dating world, the narcissists, commitment-phobes and other undesirables would label themselves as such in their profiles. But since that honesty would ruin their chances of meeting mates, they hide their unappealing qualities—or at least they think they do.

We asked online dating coaches to reveal the almost-undetectable clues that you shouldn’t bother with a particular fellow. Spot only one red flag amidst an otherwise stellar profile? Then he’s probably worth at least an email. See more than one of the below, though, and you may want to keep on clicking.